Guardian Publishes Funny Post-Brexit Guide to EU Vacation

The Guardian newspaper revealed its own post-Brexit tourism guide book to help the British tourist when traveling around Europe. Everything has changed for the Brit looking for relaxation in the sun, the pound has dropped making travel more expensive and even the way in which other nations view Brits has created a new state of things with “paranoid expats in Spain, sympathy in Greece, pity in Germany, antipathy in France, and the kind of blamey atmosphere” that is bound to affect their vacation.

Along with the other tips and guidelines, a selection of phrases are offered:

French

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Would I get better treatment if I told you I was a football hooligan or a Brexiter? Est-ce que je serais mieux traité si j’étais un hooligan ou un Brexiter?

I’m not sure what my healthcare situation is here any more, so try not to poison me. Je ne suis pas sûr que ma couverture médicale me prenne toujours en charge, donc essayez de ne pas m’empoisonner.

Do you accept dental fillings as currency? Est-ce que je peux vous payer en dents en or?

Can we keep Arsène Wenger? Est-ce que l’on peut garder Arsène Wenger?

Think how cheaply you’ll be able to buy our boring cheese and subpar wine now! Pensez à la bonne affaire que vous ferez désormais en achetant nos fromages sans goût et notre piquette!

Spanish

Here are my life savings in sterling. Is it enough to afford this novelty straw donkey? Toma, todos mis ahorros en libras. ¿Me alcanza para comprarle al burro de paja ese?

Please assure me that Del Boy’s Sausage and Lager Fun Pub has not been adversely affected by the UK’s current political climate. Dime por favor que la situación política del Reino Unido no ha impactado a Del Boy’s Sausage And Lager Fun Pub.

Don’t blame me, blame my dad. Oye, que la culpa no es mía, ojo. Es de mi padre.

Please, just promise me all the retired ex-pat East End gangsters will be OK. Prométeme por lo menos que estarán bien los gangsters jubilados del East End.

Can we arm-wrestle for control of Gibraltar? ¿Y si echamos un pulso? El ganador se queda con Gibraltar.

Italian

I wish to exchange all your sexist politicians for all our racist ones. Vorrei scambiare tutti i vostri politici sessisti per i nostri politici razzisti

Can I live here please? Posso vivere qui da voi, per favore?

Can I still buy a giant Toblerone at the airport? E sempre possibile comprare un Toblerone gigante all’aeroporto?

Do you have a denomination low enough to split a tenner? Avete banconote di un valore abbastanza basso per cambiare dieci sterline?

Have fun with your constitutional referendum in October. You’ll be fine. Godetevi il vostro referendum costituzionale di Ottobre. Vi troverete bene.

German

I read on a bus that you have £350m of mine. Can I have it back? Ich habe auf einem Bus gelesen, dass sie mir £350m schulden. Könnte ich die bitte wiederhaben?

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Excuse me, could you teach me how to unify a country? Entschuldigung, können sie mir verraten wie man ein entzweites Land vereint?

Yes, I agree, Nigel Farage is a berk. Ja, Nigel Farage ist ein Trottel, da haben sie recht.

You’re sexy. Let’s get married for the passports. Du bist sexy. Lass uns heiraten damit ich einen deutschen Pass bekommen kann.

What’s the German word for “schadenfreude”? Wie sagt man “schadenfreude” auf Deutsch?

Greek

Please apologize for inventing democracy. Σας παρακαλώ να απολογηθείτε που δημιουργήσατε την έννοια της δημοκρατίας. (Sas parakalo na apologitheite pou dimiourgisate teen enya tees dimokratias.)

Please explain how you got your government to overturn that referendum. Εξηγήστε παρακαλώ πως η κυβέρνηση σας ανέτρεψε το δημοψήφισμα. (Exigiste parakalo pos ee kivernisi sas anetrepse to dimopsifisma.)

You must come to England next time. Three euros are currently worth a million of our pounds. Πρέπει να έρθετε στην Αγγλία την επόμενη φορά. Τρία ευρώ αυτή τη στιγμή αξίζουν εκατομμύρια λίρες. (Prepee na erthete steen Aglia teen epomeni fora. Tria evro aftee teen stigmee axizoun ekatomeeria lires.)

Since you’re so reluctant to exchange British money, would you like to purchase this sterling origami swan instead? Από τη στιγμή που είστε τόσο διστακτικός στο να κάνετε συνάλλαγμα σε Βρετανικά χρήματα, μήπως θα θέλατε να αγοράσετε αυτό τον ασημένιο κύκνο origami; (Apo tee stigmee pou eesteh toso distaktikos sto na kanete sinallagma se Vretanika chrimata, mipos tha thelate na agorasete afto ton aseemenio kikno origami.)

Hello, I am Scottish. Γειά σας, είμαι Σκωτζέζος. (Ya ssus, eemeh Skotzezos.) • Translations by Jessica Reed/Kate Carter, Sid Lowe, Clare Longrigg/Paolo Bandini, Philip Oltermann and Christina Niania/Helen Nianias